One for the Table Has Published My Food Photos!
Check out the “I Love This Plate” photo gallery at the end of the page. Thanks, One For The Table!
Sketch from class
Sketch from class
What do you think Mikhail is thinking? (Taken with instagram)
How I Intend To Spend 2012
The year of twenty eleven is sadly almost over,
It’s closing here and there, in Dubai and in Dover.
But instead of making resolutions that I won’t keep,
I intend to spend the next year among fluffy, baaing sheep.
Why would you do such a thing? you might ask,
Because if there is no mold, I have nothing to cast.
In 2012, I wish to reset the clocks and turn back the dial,
So that I have enough strength to walk further than a mile.
If I sleep for a year among those soft and gentle creatures,
And if I spend the time to learn their manners and their features,
I have a feeling that I’ll start to actually like the look and feel of my own,
So that maybe one day, by the following year, I could see how much I’ve grown.
Eagle Rock, Topanga (Taken with instagram)
Bless You! (in sharpie!)
Get Some Rest (in sharpie!)
May I interest you in an artichoke? (In Sharpie!)
How To Stop Your Relationship From Getting Dill
(I wrote this little play on words piece for a food website I love called One For The Table.)
Remember how umami always told you that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Well girls, this is How to Keep it Fraiche with Rosemary Garden and I’m here to reassure you that if you work with the ripe ingredients (all of which are outlined below), you will never have to play ketchup in your relationship again. The key is to learn how to sift your mindset.
Rule #1: Keep it spicy
Take a lesson from Cayenne; even though she’s a bit of a bitch sometimes, she always knows how to kick it up a notch. I often tell students at my seminars that if we let our relationships go bland, it’s hard to go back cold turkey.
Rule #2: Don’t make a main out of a starter
Remember ladies, don’t wine and always keep it cool. It’s just not worth it to get nuts over the small things. If you find yourself in a pickle, butter up your lover and tenderize him with a meaty rub down.
Rule #3: Say yes to pepper
I grew up with five sisters in Worcestershire. I recall my mother telling us that you must relish each moment and remember that no batter how many courses you’re preparing at one time or how fried you might be, it’s imperative to pepper your partner with love and attention. It’s a grate way to add flavor without getting too burned-out.
Rule #4: Learn to salsa
Add something unusual to your weekly routine. Throw in a few impromptu salsas with your man at home to really turn up the heat. (No one likes a lukewarm fish.)
Rule #5: Make thyme for each other
This is a rule I’m sure you’ve all heard before. If you don’t chop things off your schedule and make thyme for your man, things will start to get dicey. Fast.
If you integrate these guidelines, you’ll see that everything will start cumin together. If you don’t, you’ll be forced to get Chimi with Churri while your hot sauce is off looking for another rack. And gentlemen, when it’s chilly and your lady kneads some warmth, remind her to put her cardamom on. (Use the opportunity to get close.)
With love & lite,
Rosemary,
The Sage
I call him, “I Ran Into A Wall” and I did him real rough with a colored pencil. He’s okay, though. Don’t worry.
Hope you dig my Lemur man.
A Letter to My “Victims”
A fictionalized response to today’s headlines on the high school teacher, Stacy Schuler, who was sentenced to four years in prison for having sex with five of her students (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2011/10/28/dnt-teacher-sex-verdict.wlwt?hpt=hp_t2).
Dear Springboro, Ohio,
Okay, okay. I admit I might have had a little too much Pinot Noir when my students paid me a late night visit, but, c’mon, who doesn’t get nervous around jocks? I needed something to calm me down. Their bodies are, like, amazing. But let’s get something straight here: having sex with a teacher isn’t scarring when you’re 17 years old and have been jerking off for years; it’s a fucking dream come true. These teens weren’t toddlers, people. At least they were being taught something useful, right guys?
If I’m guilty of anything, I’m at fault for letting a kid who is almost old enough to fight for a country live out a sexual fantasy with a woman who is old enough to know what she’s doing but young enough that her nipples still face up.
See you in four years,
Stacy Schuler
Halloween illustration I drew for One for the Table! http://www.oneforthetable.com/oftt/stories/pumpkin-head.html
The Savoy
Metazen published a story I wrote about a psychotic receptionist at The Savoy Hotel.
